Let’s Be Real

For real!  Let’s be real!

I have spent the last two weeks feeling sorry for myself.  This has resulted in a very emotional me.  One who wants to cry, one who wants to sleep all day, one who just wants all my troubles to melt away.

I have suffered from anxiety, worry, and headaches.

The culprit?

Myself.

Fear.

Self Doubt.

The feeling of failure.

Insecurities.

None of these are attributes that other people can see.  A few people who are close to me get to see these or, if they are lucky, they get to hear about them.  But the truth is we all go through all of these feelings.  Some of us listen to these voices in our heads telling us we are not good enough; some of us completely ignore them.  I have been working really hard to shut them up, but they are there.  They are a part of me.  A part of me that I am working on overpowering.

Last September I traveled to Wisconsin to watch the Ironman in Madison with my husband.  You can’t just go to an Ironman and not be inspired.  This was my third Ironman as a spectator.  I brought my husband along this time so that he could see what I was dreaming of. After our trip and much deliberation, we decided I would sign up.  Then I set out to prepare my body for this race that would take me 140.6 miles.  2.4 mile swim, 112 miles bike, and 26.2 mile run.  Not an easy task!  I knew this.  I also believed if I worked hard, I would be there on that start line September 8, 2019.

I got my training plan, I built my base, I found a swim coach, I made the time, I put in the hours.  Each day, each week, I became stronger.  Some days were great. I felt strong.  Other days I asked myself, “What in the world were you thinking?”  I injured my leg, but I went to physical therapy and worked through it.  I felt confident in my swim and my run, but my bike, now that was a different story.

Yes, I rode bikes when I was younger, but nothing I rode as a kid was as fancy as my bike I have now.  Actually, even the thought of how expensive it is makes me want to vomit.  I  never had anything so nice, and I developed, still got it, a fear of breaking it.  And then there were the thoughts of hills!  I was going to have to ride this bike for 112 miles up and down hills. Big hills.  To make a long story short, my fears kept me from getting out there and really getting good and long practices in on my bike.

This brings me to the last two weeks of feeling sorry for myself.

I know that Ironman is my dream.  I know that I want to tackle this 140.6 miles for God knows why…I am still some days confused.  However, I also know my limitations.   I am not ready for the bike portion of this race, and because I am not ready, I decided to defer my entry to the 2020 race.

Go me!  Right?

With this decision came great relief.  “Look! Angie,” I would say to myself. “You just gave yourself another year to get even stronger.”  It felt good to know I had more time, but it also felt like I was failing.  I wasn’t going to be at that start line this year.  I now became a crying fool because I wasn’t going to the race this year.  I stopped doing my normal daily workouts.  I might have done a few here or there.  I started sleeping in longer and taking naps whenever I could.  Yes, I was tired from months of training, but I also was slowly slipping into a depressive state.  And then a few things happened.

First, a friend of mine after I shared with her my decision through a text said,

“You are NOT quiting! You are NOT giving up! You crossed the start line already!”

With these words, I teared up and put my chin up like my momma always told me.  I was focusing on the actual start line of the race, but that start line could have been in 2019,  and it also can be in 2020.  I started!  I started this journey, this very long and scary journey.  And I am not done yet!  Love you Amber!

Second, my sister and aunt both shared with me that they could care less if I ever did anything relating to swimming, biking, and running again.  They both shared with me that I had nothing to prove because I have already proved to my family, friends, and to my God that I am strong woman who loves fiercely and unconditionally.  Love you Candy and Aunt Sharon!

Third, my mother told me that Ironman 2020 sounded better than Ironman 2019 anyway.  Which is so true!  I could hear her encouraging smile through the phone.  Love you momma!

Fourth, my brother called me and gave me some pointers on how to prepare this year.  He is really a great big brother.  We may have had our differences in our childhood years, but I really do feel that we can feel each other’s disappointments, and we want nothing more then to help each other up when we feel down.  Love you brother!

Fifth, my husband and I had a big heart to heart.  He will be the one dealing with me one-on-one for another year of training.  Please pray for him as he deals with my mood swings.  Love you honey and thanks for your continued support!

Sixth, my son said, “But mom, you are still doing it.  Just not this year.”  Yes, son.  Mom is not quitting.  And then he double checked that he would still be able to go.  Yes, you are still invited my love.

And finally,  my daughter left a medal that she made out of construction paper on my pillow.  I mistakenly thought it was for my husband for Father’s Day, but it was for me.  She said, “Mom, I made you a #1 medal for your race, but really it is for being a mom. You are number 1.” My sweet, sweet girl! Love!

Readers, we all feel it.

Fear.

Doubt.

Insecurity.

Failure.

Those are things we see in ourselves.  Do other people see that?

NO!

Other people see a friend who started.

Other people see a sister and niece who is doing her best to make it all work.

Other people see a daughter who is beautiful and strong and persistent.

Other people see a wife doing all the things while still finding time to do her thing.

Other people see a mother who gives her all and who in her children’s eyes will never fail because they believe she is number one.

And last and not least, my God sees me!  And He loves me!  He put this dream in my head and in my heart, and He will see me through this.

I think today is the day I start seeing what other people see.

Ironman 2020. My new finish line.